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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
zetai's LiveJournal:
- I ask Google about viewsonic pf790, a quality CRT monitor.
- One of the Sponsored Links in the search results is from Amazon.com.
- I duly click the Sponsored Link and am taken to Amazon's Viewsonic monitor department.
- I look through all 37 items in the CRT section of that department. Aside from a completely haphazard arrangement of monitors--wildly vacillating between cheap & expensive, big & small, available & out of stock--nowhere does the PF790 appear, or even its cousin the PF795. Thank you, lying marketer scum, for buying up vastly more Google Ads keywords than you ever have items available for sale.
- I ask Amazon's own brain-dead search engine for viewsonic pf790 and get no results.
- I page back to the Google results and start looking at the real search results.
- #2 in the real search results is Amazon's page for the... Viewsonic PF790 monitor. Said page admits Amazon can't sell me one, and I'm sure the marketing department will get that message and adjust its Google advertising appropriately any decade now.
| Monday, August 20th, 2007 | |
| 12:05 am | Overrated Studly Maroon 5 singer Adam Levine found out the hard way that past performance is no guarantee of future performance. Just listen to his piteous disappointment at discovering that former girlfriend Maria Shriekapova only makes loud noises on the tennis court: "She wouldn't make any noise during sex. I can't tell you how disappointed I was. I really thought, like a lot of guys, that she'd be the loud screaming type. But instead, she just lay there like a dead frog. She even got angry if I started to moan, said it 'ruined her concentration.' It was so disillusioning that I went on Paxil for a month afterwards. Really, it was much more of a shock than when I found out there's no such thing as the Easter Bunny."Don't worry, man. The soul-rending trauma ought to improve your music, or at least one can hope so. Update: Sadly, the story may be untrue, though the overwhelming majority appear willing to believe it anyway! |
| Sunday, July 29th, 2007 | |
| 8:46 pm | Nyuk nyuk nyuk People say that engineers have no sense of humor. How wrong they are. Just look at the wancer who wasn't afraid to put his carefully selected company name out there for all to see. Whichever apparently Jewish engineer developed this truck sounds so proud of his masterwork, yet at the same time so self-deprecating. |
| Wednesday, July 4th, 2007 | |
| 12:12 pm | Great moments in soft drink marketing Diet Coke now claims to be an excellent source of hydration. Yes, caffeinated beverages really keep that water inside the body. "Your body will thank you for it"? A relative tested out those claims and got thanked with the mother of all kidney stones. No doubt it was only a coincidence. |
| Monday, June 25th, 2007 | |
| 8:31 pm | Alert the media! Oh, wait.... World awaits Paris Hilton's return. Is it the Second Coming? Or just the Return of the |
| Thursday, June 14th, 2007 | |
| 7:55 pm | Sir, you have offended my honor! Flint Dille is mad as hell, and he's not going to take it anymore. When faced with local busybody and failed politico Michael Dukakis's harebrained scheme to ban driveway apron parking, the writer, best known for his work on various 80s cartoons, challenged him to a duel. Dukakis declined. The man has no honor or fighting spirit! What a weekend warrior. Imagine the opportunities lost because the linked blogger didn't do even the briefest googling of this highly distinctive name. "Even an Inhumanoid wouldn't take away our apron parking! You want me to send over Optimus Prime to straighten you out, buddy? Or Bigfoot to roll through your flowerbeds? Why, Cobra Commander himself couldn't be any more of a snake." |
| Friday, June 8th, 2007 | |
| 6:06 pm | |
| Thursday, May 31st, 2007 | |
| 9:29 pm | Great moments in internet marketing Why are search engines so stupid? Take Amazon's. Please, take it and do unspeakable things to it. Consider the following sequence of actions: |
| Sunday, May 13th, 2007 | |
| 9:13 pm | Oh, Harry! Rumor has it that Harry Potter's magic wand is on the scanty side. That sound you hear is the breaking of the hearts of several million delusional fangirls. |
| Monday, April 16th, 2007 | |
| 8:27 pm | Paris Hilton: Trash from beginning to end Paris Hilton landed in the Swiss city of Basel and told fans: "I am delighted to be here, it's my first time in Zurich."Well, don't pay attention to where you're going. Foreign cities are all the same! Her watches cost between £45 and £100, but Paris admitted she prefers watches by Rolex and Frank Muller and will not be wearing her own designs.Undercutting her own product by refusing to wear it shows Paris's sound business sense. She had been in Zurich earlier during her trip and went to a new club owned by her ex-lover Carl Hirschmann, ending up with a £50 fine after her driver parked the car in a no-parking zone.Only the little people can't park wherever they want. Source. I can see why millions idolize this wench. Too bad she won't fall victim to one of these. |
| Tuesday, April 3rd, 2007 | |
| 8:00 pm | Just desserts Memo to faithless wives out there. When caught in the act, do not try to save your cheating skin by crying rape. Especially when your husband is packing something hard and dangerous in his pants. What excellent marksmanship, and what a fine contribution to improving the gene pool. |
| Wednesday, March 28th, 2007 | |
| 11:34 pm | You can always tell when it's payday Everyone just has to lurch around like a deranged drunken sailor on shore leave, desperate to squander his money in the shortest possible time. |
| Thursday, March 22nd, 2007 | |
| 9:14 pm | Go, Speed Racer! If the racing thing doesn't work out, IRL driver Sam Hornish might pursue lucrative opportunities in the exciting world of celebrity impersonation. He's already got Cher and Baba Booey down cold. |
| Sunday, March 18th, 2007 | |
| 1:39 pm | I'm watching you  With all six of my eyes, I am. |
| 1:34 pm | The intarweb is closed Check out the comments policy of a most enlightened newspaper. Note the permitted comment windows, which never exceed two hours in length or 4.5 hours per day, with nothing in the evenings or on the weekends. In a word: laughable. Don't even bother taking comments then, you lazy bums. Do they imagine people are going to mark their calendars and make a special appointment to comment on their lame boards, when the rest of the intarweb is open 24/7/365? Just unbelievable. |
| Wednesday, January 31st, 2007 | |
| 9:39 pm | More brilliant bank marketing The competition for credit card What they don't know is how to identify names likely to be Spanish speakers. I'm just guessing, but I think that household doesn't speak much Spanish. |
| Sunday, January 14th, 2007 | |
| 7:22 pm | And they say there's nothing on TV With program descriptions like these, who could resist keeping that bottomless fount of entertainment a-blaring? Model Behavior: The death of a supermodel filming a reality show on a military base first appears to be suicide, but Gibbs and his team uncover a twisted love triangle and hunt for her killer. This could totally happen in real life. Birthday Cake Surprises: Elite cake designers compete. Bow down to the masters! The Dentist II: ** A deranged dentist moves to a town where no one knows him, and there he begins torturing patients. Premium cable must really be worth it if I could see quality fare like this. Blue Demon: An act of sabotage releases a group of deadly, mutated sharks to wreak havoc in American waterways. Ditto, aside from the inexplicable lack of lasers on their heads. Basilisk: The Serpent King: With help from archaeologists, the military tries to destroy a mythical creature that turns its victims to stone. No star rating--I wonder why not? Sugar & Spice: ** High-school cheerleaders plan to rob a bank when one of them becomes pregnant and desperate for money. Where were the Oscar nominations? Mad Love: *+ Emotionally opposite Seattle teens fall in love and go on a road trip to Mexico. Doesn't everybody? The Black Sleep: *+ Victorian Sir Joel prepares for his wife's brain surgery by practicing on locals supplied by a Gypsy. Well, that's not nice! |
| Saturday, January 6th, 2007 | |
| 3:26 pm | Silly news roundup Just say no to plastic surgery What happened to nymphet Nikki Cox? She looks like a 40-year-old, used-up porn star! No wonder she got married. Don't call me Ponch... or Emilio, either Erik Estrada got into an exchange of obscenities with a man who called him "Emilio Estevez." Check out the all-star cast. Working girl And she sounded like a nice girl, too. Who gets custody of the makeup? They were such a nice, normal couple. Gotta go, gotta go I know "taking the piss" is a British tradition, but this guy went over the line. Update: Tragically, his resolve leaked out. Inmates running the asylum In Britain, they don't even know how many prisoners have escaped from the hoosegow, and they agonize whether to release pictures of escaped murderers. Apparently the murderers' human rights are more important than those of their victims, past and future. Apparently also murderers are considered proper inmates for an open prison. This train service is crap Meanwhile, Britain's trains have their own problems. Only in America I don't suppose the owner could feed the doggie less, do you? Make Fido pop a pill instead! Scourge of society The Tigers believe Joel Zumaya's right wrist and forearm inflammation came not from throwing his 103-mph fastball but from excessively playing Guitar Hero, a PlayStation 2 game where participants simulate popular songs with by [sic] tugging on a guitar-shaped apparatus. GM Dave Dombrowski told WXYT it was the video game that caused Zumaya to miss three ALCS games.See, video games are bad for you! Assuming it was the video game's "apparatus" he kept tugging on, of course. |
| Sunday, December 31st, 2006 | |
| 9:27 pm | Road warrior Hey, want to know what a $300 hotel room looks like? It's not what it used to be, I can tell you. Check out the glamorous bathtub. The closet may have real hangers, with a Playstation in the TV area, but the dirty wall and carpet wouldn't look out of place at a Motel 6. For bonus points, my room key would only unlock the door from the parking garage about half the time, the parking garage had piercingly loud Christmas carols blaring 24/7, and my room wasn't ready on time (for a less-than-challenging Friday check-in). For an encore, the hotel decided to spam me, repeatedly, within days of leaving. May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the armpits and genitalia (if any) of all marketdroids who pull that arrogant assumed opt-in crap. One more disposable email address hits the bit bucket. Yes, it was truly an experience befitting a room of that caliber. |
| Tuesday, December 19th, 2006 | |
| 8:28 pm | Rachael Ray's gone crackers On a recent grocery trip, I found to my horror that the cracker aisle had been taken over by a hideous grinning monster. Almost every brand has fallen to this relentless marketing assault. I turned to flee, only to find there was no escape. I suspect the fire marshal wouldn't approve. |
| Thursday, November 23rd, 2006 | |
| 11:38 pm | It's about time Provocative comic Sacha Baron Cohen finally got his. Shockingly enough, when you provoke a bunch of people, you will eventually get a beating. Memo to self-appointed gadflies of the world: "It's just a joke!" does not exempt you from the consequences of your obnoxious behavior. I can't wait for this guy's 15 minutes to run out. Hey, it could have been worse. He could have been in Iraq. In other news of the "Ha, ha!" variety, PS3s are already going for a mere 50% over retail just a week after their release. Only the deranged still think they're going to flip theirs for 4-5X what they paid. Here's hoping all your other gouging dreams turn to coal, bloodsuckers. |
